Memoir

I was born in 1987/Canada.

I invented a game. A team chased the other. Initially, the safe zones were shadows. i.e. from clouds or the Portable. (building) You could run within the moving shadow of a cloud to stay safe. So part of the playing field could change, which could potentially be exciting. I forget if the small shadows from a swingset could be utilized by touching them with a foot. One day, when it was all cloudy or mostly, I said that touching wooden objects would provide safety instead, so that it would be more fair. I think there were wooden stairs at a long back fence in 2 locations, quite spread out. I think the teeter-totter had wood on it. There were wooden steps & a wooden railing at the Portable. There were trees in a corner of the yard. On days with little or no cloud, shade/wood were in play. On mostly or totally cloudy days, I had a disadvantage, as the few locations with wood were the only safe zones. If I recall, on days with little or no cloud shade, I had a disadvantage, as only wood & maybe only shadow from the portable were safe zones. Maybe kids can have fun playing this game thanks to me.

A teacher told us that April Fools' Day ended at 12 PM. It was a downer.

A girl said you could eat milkweed. I ate a part of it. Then I realized she didn’t know. It was scary. The Poison Control number was called - nothing required.

Moscow store rented out movies. An owner would tell us if a movie was good or not, so that we didn't waste money. He gave me a chocolate drink since the date was coming up on it. It was the best chocolate drink ever - unknown name.

Coins were put on the ground for kids/Canada Day.

I remember putting square packages of gum under my sister Alanna's pillow. I put some candy under my sister Brittany’s pillow. Alanna said: “You use to tell us that you went to candy land (the portal was under your bed). Then when we woke up and the candy was under our pillows we knew that you had went to Candy Land. You would tell us that money grew on trees and the roads were all golden coins”. She said it was fun.

Alanna told me “You taught me how to ride my bike”... “You challenged me to a race and I was upset because I wanted to win. You got me so caught up in the race that when I stopped thinking/trying too much I was able to ride my bike! You won, but my prize was being able to ride :)”. I was trying to get her mind off the fear by challenging her to a race. She wanted to give up on our grass, which was difficult to ride on.

There was an electric fence for sheep. Since I had rubber boots on I thought I would be immune to shock. I grabbed the fence with both hands. Ha. It wasn't bad.

I was on the Yarker railroad bridge, over a road. I dropped small/light (partially rotted, I think) wood splinters/fibres (1 of the beams had them. I probably didn’t think it would cause damage) when vehicles came near. A vehicle stopped a bit away & then drove on. They were maybe worried they might have got a cracked windshield. I probably did it 2 or 3 times. I came down below the bridge on my way back to grandma’s nearby. A woman from the park near there used the f word & accused us of throwing rocks. She said she called the police. I was scared! Then maybe 4 or 5 hours later we had to drive (I think I was scared en route. The drive was probably 5 minutes) to talk to a policeman. I told the officer she was lying & that she swore. I was trying to paint her as bad. It cost the police time/fuel (unforeseen) & probably fear to drivers. I’ve suffered negative memories of the event.

I got paid to feed & water turkeys. The males charged me since I was wearing a red coat. It was scary. I did not get pecked.

I switched to harder Odessa Public School in grade 7.

A boy would hit me. My cousin (1 grade above) asked how I got the bruises on my arms. I told him. Later, the bully told me that my cousin had hit him, & if I recall, that it really hurt. I told the bully my cousin had asked where I got the bruises from/I had to tell. So thanks to my cousin that bully stopped hurting me.

That bully’s younger brother bit his nails to make them pointed/hurt me on the bus. Later, he clipped them for that. He did it behind where my clothes were, so the evidence would not be discovered like it was for his brother. He probably lifted my sleeve up.

Probably in grade 7 or 8, I started twirling my hair in 1 area, probably near the back/top with 1 or 2 fingers. (compulsive behaviour) Mum got me to stop.

Kids earned points for good spelling grades. Enough meant pizza.

A boy (last remaining) activated a stink bomb (rotten egg smell) on the school bus right before he departed. The driver stopped the bus after a bit, departed, & later rolled down the windows. That driver wasn't liked.

A kid called home from school 1 morning, so she could get a ride home later from band practice. Her mum said “Planes keep flying into buildings”. (the second plane had hit on 9/11) The kid repeated that quote in the school. I didn’t understand the situation for the remaining time in school that day.

Maybe starting in grade 9 or in the first half of grade 10, I was obsessed with German World War 2 stuff. I didn’t hate Jews. Maybe I was thinking that they were killed like many are in war. I liked playing the Germans in PC games & seeing them in World War 2 movies. I liked blonde hair, blue eyes & the look of German: uniforms, (the camouflage 1, gray 1 & maybe the black 1) guns, vehicles, tanks, aircraft, army cross, swastika & the color gray. (the German army uniform color) I had gun names memorized due to a game. I liked that. I liked knowing the language, but I didn’t know a lot of it. I liked being part German. I think the obsession ended in grade 12 or in the semester after.

For Christmas, our school bus driver bought lottery tickets equal to the number of kids on the bus. We would've split the prize.

In grade 12, I got vodka from a friend in a big water bottle. I skipped eating a snack or lunch since I heard that gets you more drunk, or makes it more enjoyable. I was with 2 girls in the cafeteria. I was drinking it straight. A girl kept trying to get me to drink more. I guess I thought it would be OK due to that. I laid on the pavement outside for a bit. Everything was spinning at 1 point. I became unconscious/was taken to a hospital. I think I had alcohol poisoning. They put me on an IV & put a catheter in. They removed the catheter before I regained consciousness. It hurt a lot for maybe a day every time I peed. I think the principal presumed I liked 1 of the girls/did the drinking due to that. I wasn’t attracted to them. I was suspended for 4 days, I think. The girl that got me to keep drinking asked if I would’ve been alright/didn’t need to go to the hospital. I falsely said ya.

I chose to peer tutor a class. I got paired with a grade 9 academic science class. I think I was only asked 2 questions. They could've done without a tutor.

I was a video game admin for maybe 1 - 1 & ½ year. I booted cheaters, chat spammers & team killers.

I came up with ideas that got put into the Requiem mod for The Elder Scrolls V. There may have been more of my ideas put into the mod than I knew, as the author didn't post all the mod changes. I got the race menu description better for Orcs as the mod had a non-canon thing about them. I made a suggestion that got put in a mod that used to be a part of Requiem until the authors parted ways. It involved the Old Orc who said that Malacath gave him a vision of a glorious death. When you went against him in Requiem (which makes the game harder/not scaled to you) he was an easy 1, or so shot kill like any other common/weak bandit. That was disappointing & immersion breaking. There were at least 446,998 unique downloads for the mod. (some downloads were from before my contributions, but a lot happened after) Now there is a Skyrim Special Edition release of the mod with fewer downloads. More people will use it.

I contributed some things that got put in the Unofficial Skyrim Patch. The name later changed to Unofficial Skyrim Legendary Edition Patch. (aka USLEEP. The name later changed to the Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch aka USSEP) There were 2,165,452 unique downloads for USLEEP (there might've been more before they chose the name with Legendary Edition) & 2,736,732 unique downloads, so far for USSEP. There were 7,853,479 downloads for it on Bethseda.net affecting Xbox users & 3,357,433 downloads for PC users there. There were 1,987,507 downloads for the PlayStation 4. Before Whiterun decided to go to war, Irileth could say that Whiterun guards had been deployed to fight the Stormcloaks. That was immersion breaking, so I reported that. I saw a thief threaten the player for money. The thief had their dagger out, but after the player chose a response that the thief didn't like & hostilities began, the thief put the dagger away & then pulled it back out again. It was immersion breaking & gave no challenge. I got them to fix that.

Murray Switzer said we are Swiss & that the Switzers came from Europe in the 1700’s. I found that was before Switzerland became a country in 1848/got that name. He said Switzer is spelled/pronounced differently in the USA. Schwitzer is the spelling if he recalls. Swite-zer is the pronunciation. So the Switzer surname probably came from Schwitzer.

Probably in 2018, my butt was sore. I think that is what started me taking short walking periods inside. Eventually I walked fast/short distances inside for energy. Eventually I couldn’t sit or stand in 1 spot long without butt pain in 1 spot & tiredness/low energy.

If I didn't walk a long enough continuous route, I got butt pain, unless I was physically tired. I had to do probably 8 or 12 fast laps around the kitchen island. That tired me/probably helped get my mind off it. When things worsened, I could only sit for probably 30-40 seconds, which is not nice when you want to enjoy a show. The short sitting times were partially why I liked Science Fiction & Fantasy. You can see more ideas in a shorter time, rather than mundane stuff. Action in those genres helped me sit a little longer, possibly due to excitement.

Feeling good helped with the pain. That is partially why I viewed porn. The pain maybe fully vanished at times. Porn also made me feel less tired or not tired. Tiredness can get to you.

I paced at the back of the inside of my church to avoid butt pain.

Sitting on a hard chair seemed to help with the butt pain, maybe since it was uncomfortable/helped get my mind off it. For a while I had to use a hard chair all day. I had to hold myself above my chair after walking, which could tire my arm muscles/maybe help get my mind off the pain after sitting. Later, I only had to use a hard chair earlier in the day, maybe due to more enjoyment/distraction from evening shows.

I could sit longer during my 1/only coffee time if I had been on my feet for 1 hour or so. It maybe tired my legs/distracted from the pain. The coffee feeling probably helped.

I got that pain if I bent over.

Rarely, I got very sharp butt pain for some reason.

A few things may be out of chronological order.

Due to the pain, I had some tests/tried some things. I had Inflammatory Bowel Disease. I met a psychiatrist to see if it was mental. She didn't think it was, but said it was possible that wires were crossed.

I think I did 22 or 24 fast laps in the kitchen to prevent butt pain in bed.

In bed I needed to sit up at times until I got more tired to get rid of stomach pain. I thought it was probably Inflammatory Bowel Disease.

I used to stand for 1 hour, I think, before supper, so I could sit for the whole meal/have the food taste good - probably energy & butt pain related.

8/3/2020 - I can brush my teeth without laps if I do it right after I get up.

7/26/2021 - I recently craved rocks for my collection. It maybe was obsessive.

29 - I think my butt pain is mental. After my evening show, I do 3 kitchen laps, then return to my room for my toothbrush, & then go to do my teeth. Then there is little or no pain. Today I did 3 laps, washed my hands in the kitchen & then went to do my teeth. The pain was much stronger than usual, despite the same amount of walking. I stood there for a time & then did 3 laps before I returned. Ever since then my butt has been bugging me. I think I will mention this to the doctor.

31 - Is some of my low energy tied to compulsion?

8/3 - I may have noticed near obsessiveness when tired.

13 - I have a compulsion to brush some teeth extra at times.

9/4 - My medication helped my sleep, energy & anxiety a bit - increasing dose.

21 - My energy has been down. I’m not sure if the medication is helping.

10/27 - I could hardly stand at times. Low energy was unbearable in the shower. I wanted to die. I learned I maybe had a bad reaction to a higher Risperidone dose. Lack of sleep hit me hard - mood &/or energy. I switched to Quetiapine. It caused better sleep & energy, (maybe through better sleep as it has the side effect of being a sedative) which probably helped the butt pain to be less often.

End of journal.

I made a suggestion to The War Amps to save money. I kept getting mailed key tags when I still had the previous tags. Also, there was the cost of the ink & paper that mailing involved, which I mentioned to them if I recall. They emailed me later instead.

I do 3 kitchen laps before brushing my teeth to avoid butt pain. If I move out of the bathroom (maybe to blow my nose) & return, I will get butt pain unless I do 3 kitchen laps.

If I sat or stood in 1 spot too long, it gave me a high blood pressure feeling & it could cause sweating, a faster heart beat & it could make it hard to think & recall. I needed to get up once before my head “exploded”.

I tested my blood pressure. It was only a feeling of high blood pressure.

Less sleep could make me feel on the edge of sanity. That probably only happened once or twice.

Negativity made the butt pain worse.

I think I get butt pain more when tired (frequently after lunch, I think) & when I think about it.

I washed a shoulder once extra.

My left arm against my back made me feel good on 8/2022. I had less sleep then, which can affect thinking.

I sat/watched a show a bit, did 3 laps, stood/watched a bit, did 3 laps, etc. One day I skipped the standing part since it was hot. When it was cooler - later that evening probably - I stood for a bit & it made me feel tired. Usually standing for a bit at that time of day would make me not feel tired. Now I don’t need standing periods when watching a show. That was short lived.

Once it looked like I had a milk splatter on my desk. (where I eat) It was probably from only 5 hours of sleep.

A cat shook a paw near me after it was in a water dish. I thought I felt a drop of liquid land on my foot, but it didn’t.

I can get butt pain in bed - probably from sitting too long before or not walking in the kitchen a bit before.

I got a headache & high blood pressure feeling while on my back in bed.

The high blood pressure feeling will remain for a time after sitting long enough/getting up. It remained for at least 40 minutes once/got worse while sitting a bit after.

If I hold a bit between mouthfuls at breakfast, I can get a high blood pressure feeling. Eating gets rid of it - probably due to enjoyment.

3 - I’m interested in making ginger cookies - probably obsessive.

9/2 - A doctor called Nanny (grandma Babcock) incompetent. She was put on Disability for that. She was not on mental medication.

3 - Aunt Lillian said she has severe depression & anxiety & that she is bipolar.

9 - I was put on Escitalopram to see if it would help with my issues.

11 - I did 2 checking actions. I looked at a thing I already read. It was maybe influenced by that high blood pressure feeling (which can make it harder to think)/eye pain & low energy/tiredness.

10/5 - I was into women - only this day. I was only attracted to girls most of my life.

Journal end.

A psychiatrist & I thought subconscious thoughts were causing my butt pain & high blood pressure feeling.

I get more frequent butt pain when reading before bed.

4/11/2023 - A psychiatrist said I have Somatoform Disorder.

My butt hurt a lot in bed after I stood in 1 spot before.

I got anger once that wouldn’t leave for a bit, despite wanting it to.

My head felt uncomfortable twice on Escitalopram. The high blood pressure feeling was probably diminished.

There is a risk of my medications negatively interacting with each other - maybe at a higher Quetiapine dose. I’m at the max Escitalopram dose.

The butt pain is gone most of the time.

A girl too young to know better, took her bottom swimwear part off at a family picnic. I found it repulsive, which has been 1 strong reason to not want to be attracted to girls again.

I made suggestions for how The Elder Scrolls V could be better & sent them to Bethesda. A remake could mean that I enrich millions of lives.